Growing up can be very difficult. Many adolescents are struggling with bullies who pick on them, tear them down, abuse them, torture them, and make them feel absolutely terrible about themselves.
One in five students reports being bullied at some point in their youth. It is a heartbreaking number, but luckily more and more people are speaking out against bullying. The statistics have dropped significantly since 2003, according to recent studies.
While this is great news, and hopefully those numbers will continue to drop until bullying is a thing of the past, our greatest bully is yet to be faced:Ourselves.
We are our own worst bully, and this bully doesn’t graduate and move away. We cannot turn this bully into the principal to be punished or tell on them to our parents. So, our bully stays with us throughout school and into our adult lives.
How we are bullying ourselves is through negative self-talk.
What this means is the little or sometimes loud voice in our heads is limiting our own potential.We all have an inner dialogue that is constantly conversing with ourselves every single second of every single day. This helps us weigh decisions, plan, organize, make judgments, and so on.
When we develop negative self-talk, it can actually harm us and prevent us from functioning properly. If you begin to tell yourself that you’re fat, ugly, and unworthy of love, it is going to prevent you from loving your body enough to feed it healthy foods, feeling beautiful/handsome, and feeling confident enough to go after the person you could be interested in.
If you’re already in a relationship and are constantly thinking negative thoughts about yourself, your partner will eventually catch on to it and possibly decide that they deserve better. Some people even take their own self-hatred and project it onto their partner, resulting in an abusive and toxic relationship.
Negative self-talk will affect every single area of your life.
It can hold you back from pursuing the career that you desire and that you actually deserve, by telling you that you aren’t enough.
Not good enough. Not smart enough. Not outgoing enough. Not pretty enough. Not thin enough. Not strong enough. Not calm enough. Not happy enough. Not (insert any adjective here) enough.
In this article, we will go over 5 ways to stop negative self-talk, so that you can start feeling like you are enough:
1. Keep a journal.
Most people keep a private journal as a safe space for them to get all of their thoughts out of their head and onto paper. Whether they are positive thoughts or negative thoughts doesn’t matter, just getting them out is the key.
There is something about the physical act of writing out what you are thinking so that your thoughts become a visible object, that feels like a release. You will also get to see the words that your inner bully has been telling you over and over again, which makes it easier to not listen to it. You will see how ridiculous that voice really is and how unrealistic it can be.
Journaling can also be a way to track what triggers that inner bully, which makes it easier to identify when to become aware of it in your daily life.
2. Make gratitude a habit.
We are creatures of habit. Negative self-talk is a habit that we get ourselves into without consciously realizing it. This particularly bad habit makes it really easy for our inner bully to perpetuate our self-hatred.
It holds us back from living our best lives. The good news is, is that our habits can change. We are able to develop healthy habits with a little practice. In order to stop negative self-talk, creating a habit of gratitude and self-love can help immensely.
Every single morning for 21 days, simply write out a list of 10-20 things you are grateful for and that you love about yourself.
This actually rewires our brain to think more loving thoughts, and to see all of the amazing things in ourselves and our lives that we love and should appreciate.
3. Mindfulness meditation.
Meditation and mindfulness breathing has been known to relieve stress, anxiety, and depression. It is a way for us to center ourselves and create an awareness of our body and our thoughts.
Bringing your mind to that calm and relaxed state that one feels when deep in meditation allows for a clear observation of the thoughts that bubble up to the surface. It gives us a safe space to explore the feelings related to those thoughts and time to process them.
A daily mindful meditation practice can help you silence your inner bully once and for all. This can be anywhere from 10 minutes to an hour of practice per day.
4. “I AM” affirmations.
Self-affirmations are a great way to stop negative self-talk. You can either write them out on paper and repeat it back to yourself, or speak the words out loud during meditation. The whole trick to it is keeping it short, sweet, and simple. For example, “I AM powerful. I AM strong. I AM beautiful. I AM healthy. I AM worthy of unconditional love.”
However, if you do not have the right intention while doing this practice, it will not work as well. It might even feel strange at first, or you might not believe in what you are saying fully. The whole point of it being practice is that you must continually work at it in order to see improvement.
5. Notice when the negative self-talk arises.
While this may seem simple and obvious, this is extremely important and can be difficult to accomplish. We become so used to that inner bully that we sometimes forget that it should not be allowed there, in spite of the full-body stress.
The practices I mentioned previously should help you become more aware of the thoughts you have on a daily basis. When you notice that negativity arise, or when your inner bully gets triggered, first breathe through it.
Take 2-3 mindful and deep breaths, in through your nose for 4 seconds, hold your breath for 5 seconds, then slowly breathe out through pursed lips for 6 seconds.
This method will help you center yourself so you can think more clearly, and has been proven to help people feel calmer when they’re in a panicked or highly anxious/nervous state. Identify where your self-talk became negative, why it did, and switch it into something positive.
You can change a belief such as “I’m going to completely fail this presentation” into “I may be nervous for this presentation, but that will not stop me from trying my best”. It’s simple, yet effective.
This week the iNLP Center will host a deep dive webinar for existing students. The subject will be the Quad Map, as pictured below.
What is the Quad Map?
The Quad Map is a coaching model - a lens though which coaches may locate a client’s attention. Which which perspective is the client speaking? There are four options according to the Quad Map.
1. Associated Past: Speaking from a historical point of view that you are reliving.
2. Dissociated Past: Talking about the past from an observer perspective.
3. Associated Future: Speaking from a future point of view (or anticipatory pov) that causes feelings in the present.
4. Dissociated Future: Talking about the future from a big picture (observer) perspective.
No Right or Wrong Point of View
There is not right or wrong point of view on the Quad Map. The relevant question is, “How useful is. your current point of view, given your desired goal?”
If you’re living in regret (past dissociated) how does that serve you? Would you be better off moving to a dissociated perspective? What would happen if you did?
If you’re out of touch with the joys you’ve experienced in life, would you be better off associating with past joyful experiences?
When the future scares you, would it serve you to step back and look at the big picture?
An uninspiring future, why not associate with what you have planned?
Each quadrant on the map is only right insofar as it’s useful. All the quadrants can serve a purpose under varying circumstances.
Two questions to ask as a coach or client:
1. Where am I on the Quad Map right now?
2. Where should I be, given how I want to feel and act?
The Keys to the Quad
When you're stuck: The key is knowing where you are in the moment. Simply becoming aware of this will cause you to step back mentally and evaluate your present mindset. At this point you will enter a realm of increased choice about your perspective.
The proactive approach: Use the Quad Map to think about how you're going to think about something (thinking outside the box). This might look like:
I'm going to set some goals. First, I'll review my past for goals that might be relevant. Then, I'll look at my future from a big picture perspective and brainstorm. Finally, I'll discover which goals are most exciting.
1. Past Dissociated
2. Future Dissociated
3. Future Associated
I need to solve a problem. First, I'll look at it from a distance to discover what I can learn. Then, I'll imagine applying what I learn in the future, to find out if I've learned the right lesson.
1. Past Dissociated
2. Future Dissociated
Ideas for Life Coaches in Training
• How to recognize where clients are on the map
• How to move clients from one box to another
The Power of Perspective
Check out this breast cancer survivor's story, especially the last line of it. Doesn't this testify to the power of perspective? It's a Quad Map thing:)
iNLP Center students can register here. (Registration closes Thursday, August 9th at 3 PM PST).
The Self always operates with Mindful Consciousness
Parts typically operate in Safety Consciousness, yet would be interested in Mindful Consciousness if they knew it was safe.
What are parts?
• Brief history of parts
• How We Decide
• Parts and NLP
What is the Self?
Exercise: Which part of me is this? I am here. Recognize Mindful Consciousness Report: Complete the survey
Week 2: Establishing the Self I: Associating and Dissociating with Parts
Degrees of separation
Exercise: Recognize hijacks and dissociate.
Week 3: Self as Healer: The Process (Overview)
Overview of the Healing Process
1. Identify and Goal and Obstacle
2. Identify and Dissociate with the Parts in Play
3. Communicate with Protective Parts
4. Identify vulnerable Parts
5. Heal vulnerable Parts
a. Establish Self as Healer
b. Understanding and witnessing
c. Identify positive intention
d. Invite ongoing contact
e. Transform vulnerable into a healthy role
f. Tranform protective parts into health roles
e. Maintain new inner dynamic
To receive the ACC credential from the International Coach Federation (ICF), applicants must complete all application requirements, which includes submitting an audio recording of a real coaching session. This recording consitutes the ICF performance evaluation.
At the ACC credential level, applicants must submit one audio recording of 20-60 minutes for a performance evaluation by an ICF assessor. This post will detail what the ICF ACC assessors are looking for in the performance evaluation.
As an ICF ACC assessor does the performance evaluation, he or she is essentially looking for evidence that the life coach applicant demonstrates with efficacy the ICF core competencies during the coaching session.
The ICF ACC assessor scores the coaching performance based on those core competencies and will offer feedback for each one, pass or fail. ICF does not hesitate to fail life coach applicants who do not meet minimum standards. They do so respectfully, with detailed feedback on what needs to be improved, along with an invitation to resubmit a new coaching recording when ready.
Here is an example of that feedback to a life coach ACC applicant who did not meet performance requirements for the Active Listening core competency:
The coach was hearing what the client said and the summarizing and paraphrasing occasionally picked up subtleties from the client. The coach was too verbose in his clarifying and occasionally interrupted and will be coaching at a higher level when he can spend more time listening than talking. The ratio should be around 80:20 with the coach only speaking around 20% of the time. In this session the coach would have been speaking at least 50% of the time.
The iNLP Center is organizing a new, speciality life coach certification to commence in September of 2018. This program will be called Inner Dynamics Coaching Specialty.
We're unsure as to the prerequisite for the course, but the initial offering will be open to any student currently enrolled at the iNLP Center.
What is Inner Dynamics Coaching?
Inner Dynamics is a life coaching specialty offered exclusively at the iNLP Center. By inner dynamics, we mean: how you relate to the various parts of your personality. We're not referring to any kind of mental illness here, quite the opposite. That we all have different aspects - or parts - of ourselves has been a commonly accepted fact for literally thousands of years.
The book Subpersonalities features a fascinating history of inner dynamics dating back to ancient Rome. Since then, philisophers and psychologists have been handily referring to different parts of our overall identity, most notably Sigmund Freud. His concept of the Id, Ego, and Superego is one among many examples of inner dynamics.
Jung's archetypes and John Bradhsaw's inner child are other well-known examples of parts or inner dynamics models.
How our inner parts relate to each other is a major factor in how we think, feel, and behave. You've been there. One part of you wants one thing and another part of you wants something else, often the opposite.
One the one hand, I need to stick to my diet. One the other hand, I'd love to devour that chocolate cake!
Part of me wants to just cut loose and quit my job, but I guess I have more common sense than that.
I do pretty well on my to-do list in the morning, but in the afternoon it's like some part of me comes up and says, "Screw it!" and then the whole day falls apart.
Parts conficting with other parts, or inner conflict, is one of the most common phenomena in the world. But who knows how to heal the divide relatively quickly and painlessly?
Parts. We've all learned to use this concept to describe our life experience, but what about achieving greater influence over our inner parts? There is shockingly little education available about how to do that.
Even more surprising, once you learn to lead your inner parts instead of being at their mercy, your entire sense of self - and your life - can change for the better.
What are the Benefits of this Kind of Life Coach Training?
There are many! Once you learn to consciously work with your parts, you will be able to:
Find your true self. We can live a lifetime not knowing who we are. It's such a vague, nebulous question: Who are you? The parts model both clarifies and enhances your sense of self.
End self-sabotage. You might think of self-sabotage as one part of you wanting to do something that inhibits you or other parts of you. When a part of you wants something harmful, you may be able to mediate that desire by communicating with the part. It works!
Always know how to grow. The parts model provides and simple and constructive framework for self-improvement. When you are aware of your personality parts and how to work with them, the growth opportunities are limitless.
A Special Offer from the iNLP Center
The iNLP Center is currently preparing its Inner Dynamics Coaching Specialty Certification. We'd like to test drive this program at a fraction of the cost with a few students who are willing to give us detailed feedback before, during, and after the course.
The feedback will come in the form of confidential online surveys taken at strategic times. Students who elect to participate in this "test drive" course will be screened according to willingness to provide such feedback.
The iNLP Center offers a combination group and individual International Coach Federation (ICF) mentoring program. This ACC mentoring program meets ICF guidelines for individual credentialling at the ACC level.
The purpose of this program is to support students currently enrolled in the iNLP center life coach training, located here:
Participants begin by filling out an online questionairre to assess desires, needs, an opportunitie to grow as a life coach.
The ACC mentoring program is facilitated in live, virtual classrooms (using Zoom). There are minimal requirements for students outside of class. However, after each class, the ACC qualified mentor may assign homework assignments for students who want to stretch their capacities.
This ACC mentoring consists of 10 sessions total, per the ICF guidelines. Seven of the 10 sessions are done in a virtual group setting and the remaining three sessions are individual sessions with the iNLP Center ACC qualified mentor. The group sessions are at set times weekly and are ongoing. Students may join at any time and begin the cycle at any point. Individual sessions are scheduled privately with the ACC qualified instructor through a private calendar app.
The curriculum for the seven group sessions is dedicated to the life coaching competencies per ICF. The ACC mentor coach will customize each learning session to the desires, needs, and opportunities of each student, per the initial questionairre as well as what comes up spontaneously during each session.
A secondary but important focus of the ACC mentoring program is to prepare student to take the ICF coach knowledge assessment, which is required for ACC credentialling.
What happens during ACC mentoring group sessions:
The instructor introduces ICF core competency principles and practices (1-2 per class session) followed by life coaching case scenarios for discussion and application. This mirrors the kind of learning that will serve students during the ICF coach knowledge assessment.
The instructor will demonstrate life coaching in the class with students, with commentary and class discussion about the coaching process and outcomes.
Students will bring life coaching examples from their coaching practice or volunteer sessions for similar discussion and learning.
Participants will be asked regularly to self-assess their coaching competency and request feedback from the ACC mentor and other students.
What happens during ACC mentoring individual sessions:
The individual sessions are scheduled with the ACC mentor after a participant has completed all seven group sessions. The individual sessions are used to customize the learning to the individual coach.
This is accomplished as the instructor provides the student feedback on his or her coaching through role-play.
Upon completetion of the entire ACC mentoring group and individual program:
Students who satisfactorily complete the ACC mentoring program will receive verification of completion for use during ICF ACC application process, as well as any further support possible to successfully complete the ICF credentialling process.