This just in:
Apparently Lawrence Livermore Laboratories has discovered the heaviest element yet known to science!! The new element, Governmentium (symbol = Bs) has one neutron (due to its lack of charge and direction), 88 deputy neutrons (called glueons) and 198 assistant neutrons (no name yet given to this now known to be insignificant group), giving it an atomic weight of 312, the heaviest in the universe.
These 312 particles are held together by apparently powerful forces called morons, which are surrounded by vast quantities of lepton-like particles called peons. These particles, in turn are bombarded by a constant barrage of high energy particles called Klingons (yes, the same particles found to orbit Uranus).
Since Governmentium has no electrons, it is inert. However, it can be detected as it apparently impedes every reaction that comes in contact with it. A tiny amount of “Bs” can cause a reaction that would normally take a second, to take 4 days to 4 years to complete. In fact physicists have now discovered the relationship between Bs’s mass and energy: E=mc2 x 0
Governmentium has a normal half-life of 2-6 years, but strangely, it does not decay (although there has been a foul odor emanating from its nucleus which some scientists believe is related to the nefarious Klingons), but instead undergoes a reorganization in which a portion of the assistant and deputy neutrons exchange places. This odd reaction results in Governmentium’s mass increasing over time. Since each reorganization will cause additional moron promotions, this leads to additional morons to become neutrons, forming isotopes (or in scientific jargon, “Globulmentisis”). (I know this is complicated stuff, but stay with me). This characteristic of moron promotion globulmentisis has led some scientists to believe that Governmentium is formed whenever morons reach a critical concentration. This hypothetical quantity is referred to as “critical morass”.
When catalyzed with energy it steals from other sources (typically energy yielding particles), Governmentium becomes Administratium (symbol = Mr, Latin pronunciation “mor”). This element radiates just as much inertia as Governmentium, since it has half as many peons but twice as many morons (the universal Law of Conservation must always be acknowledged!!). The resulting reaction between Bs and Mr is Bs + Mr = MrBs, or more BS. The Nobel Prize Committee is considering giving the discoverers of Bs the Nobel Prize in fact-base Science for this astounding discovery.
Most interesting of all observations about Bs, is that eventually, it “dies” (i.e. ceases to exist) under its own weight, which in turn releases a massive amount of free energy.
Apparently the amount of inertia in Governmentium is so great, not even black holes, the largest source of energy in the universe, can overcome its anti-gravitational distraction.
Scientists are now debating (along with the rest of the neutrons, glueons, morons and of course, Klingons) the ultimate impact this will have on the universe as we know it.
Respectfully submitted, Thomas Quinlin
PS: Only two things are infinite, the universe and human stupidity, and I’m not sure about the former. Albert Einstein
I’ll add in my own 2-cents worth: The great tragedy of science – the slaying of a beautiful hypothesis by an ugly fact.